2004-04-01 - 7:36 a.m.

yesterday i was officially diagnosed with anarexia. fuck i dont even know if i spelt it right. i dont care. ive had more tests done in the last week than i have in my whole life. im tired of seeing doctors. im tired of this 'im better than you' nutritionist i am seeing. i never wanted this to be out in the open. i wish i never went to the doctors. it could have been my secret still. i had an some heart test done and it shows that my body is eating my heart. and my liver. i dont take in enough calories to sleep at night, let alone wake up.

and the funny thing is this all started because i am a control freak. i can restrict what i am eating. i can eat when i want to. i can do whatever i want.

but now it isnt like that. i cant stop. my fingers are bony and my adorable ass has disappeared. my pants fall past those two bones that jut out from my pelvis.

and i am a medical student. that is the worst part. i know clinically exactly what i am doing. i know i am slowly losing brain mass. ive read all about it. ive made fun of these girls in high school.

im terribly afraid, im really tired but i did this to myself.

and i dont want to tell people...or confirm their presumptions because then i get people calling asking if i want to go to dinner. or watching what i put in my mouth...saying one more bite wont kill you. and the first thought that pops into someones head when thinking of me is eating disorder. fuck that. what happened to independent or brilliant. apparently not so more anymore.