2004-03-04 - 10:10 a.m.

she is doing it to forget of a love that will be broken only by miles and time zones. running away. replace heart ache with a new continent and a half hearted attempt to start somewhere fresh. i wish i could tell her she is wrong for handling it this way. tell her not to run away and appreciate the time they spent together. but i cant do that. id be a fucking hypocrite. maybe ill tell her on my ride up the mass pike.

im doing it to get away from a love that doesnt want me. haha it even hurts to write that. it is easy to pretend but it gets harder every time i realize. ill run away, transfer to a school in boston because it is the only place i have felt true love and pure lonliness at the same time. i like the noise that drowns my head. ill only visit home on breaks. exchange hellos at a unexpected mall encounter. if i leave this town maybe the piece of him i hold so close will disappear on the exit ramp. or fall off into some street drain at the corner of tremont and school. or even better, ill chuck that fucking piece i hold into the charles river and watch it float away until it is gone all together.

so we are both fleeing for one reason or another. it has always been a joke that she and i are so similar. we can see each other at christmas. is this what we have come to? ill see her less and less because i dont know how to deal with anxiety. she'll read emails and forget my voice and it all comes down to broken hearts.

haha-the one thing we said that we will always be to each other -is there-. we are always there for each other. we have shit to deal with. we have things to work out. i understand. i am sure she does too. and i bet no one else does. and that is what makes her and i special. no one could begin to understand why we do the things we do, or where we go when we do, or how the hell we do it. so i guess 'being there' isnt the one thing we have for each other. maybe it is the comfort of knowing we know. plain and simple.

so run away.