2004-01-05 - 6:58 a.m.

my room which is normally filled with noise has been completely silent. i had to keep the television on last night so i wouldnt be so alone. i told myself i wouldnt cry anymore, but here i am.

i am a control freak. i like to be in control of what is going on, and this is something i have no control over. my heart is breaking and there is nothing i can do about it. his feelings changed and there is nothing i can fucking do about it. the only comfort i find in is writing how i feel down, but even then it only makes it more evident that we are truly apart.

i have to remind myself to eat and sleep because somehow this pain over powers my hunger or tiredness.

i just wish this was over. i wish i could make things better. i wish i didnt have to go to work and train some new women for my job. i wish i could change the pillow case on his pillow. i wish i could move that cherry coke can from its spot or take down all these pictures. but i dont want them in some box under the bed. i wish i would hear from him and have him tell me he made a mistake.

pray for me not to burst out crying at work.