2004-01-04 - 2:56 p.m.

i dont think i have ever updated this much in my life. its only been another few hours, this is one of the longest days of my life.

maybe it is because he was my first geniune love. maybe it was how close we got. maybe it is because i am so weak.

my breath is shattered with gasps. my mouth is dry from screaming. and my head hurts from thinking of possibilities.

i know i have said all i could say to him, but i still feel like i need to say more. i grab at his arms in hope he will grab back. i looked him in the eyes and i knew we were over. the glow was gone.

since she died eric has been there. i started from scratch two years ago, and everything i have, own, or seen has been with him.

he came by to pick up some of his clothes. what do you say? trying to make things better only make it worse.

my dad keeps saying give him time, in time he will come around. god i hope so.

i have never done this before, i dont know if what i am feeling is normal. i wrapped myself in his sweathshirt and i try to sleep, but i end up wimpering softly into the pillow. i keep wondering if he is feeling the same way. if he is handling this better than me. and you know what the funny thing is? i thought if this ever happened i would scream and curse his name. but i am not angry with him. he is my bug. how can i be angry with him? he is the truest person i have ever known.

i keep trying to make him say that we are going to be okay. and he cant. i just dont understand. i thought if you loved someone and they loved you, that was it. that was enough. apparently it is not.

but secretly ill wait. good things come to those who wait. im going to stop calling him and give him some room, maybe my dad is right, maybe he just needs space.

oh this is so new for me. this is so strange. when i am scared or hurt i run to eric. and i cant.

im panicing and thinking about the future and that scares me. i want him to turn around, come home and hold my hand.

but for now ill wait. ill wait for as long as i can.