2003-01-23 - 8:43 p.m.

my tummy feels uneasy..i want you here to rub it. i want you to make silly noises on my stomach and brush my hair. it always makes me feel better.

i want to hid under sheets and listen to bright eyes. i want to smell roses and take a bath with my rubber duckies. i want the air to feel warm and the grass green. but its not. the wind hurts when it hits my nose, and the ground is hard. so very hard.

it is so sad that mom is across the street. and i cant go for iced tea and that coffee cake she always had. i have to go and sit on the cold granite stone that is proof she is the one in the ground, and talk to the trees. pretend like a bird flying nearby or a branch shaking is her way of talking back. pretend like she wants to talk about my day at work.

i am so horrible, i am listening to that song..by eric clapton. if i saw you in heaven. just to make me cry. because i cant get it out by myself.

would you hold my hand, if i saw you in heaven? would you help me stand, if i saw you in heaven? time can bring you down, time can bend your knees, time can break your heart, have you begging please...