2002-12-12 - 9:19 a.m.

well here i am at work again. it is the same thing everyday, and i dont like it. i want change, i want something exciting, i want to be surprised...and not the surprised i get when i see how much the electric bill is. pleasent surprises-now those make my world turn. then again if i know there is a surprise- i find out anyways. i am no fun.

tonight i think i am going to go shopping with jason for christmas stuff. he is not happy with the holidays either. he has no one. and i understand. but he is doing it because he has to. but unlike me he has an abnormal amount of money to spend...damn him.

eric and i are going to new york this weekend for the day. it should be nice. new york reminds me of sara and larissa and our times there. going to find dresses and the perfect shoes. and then it reminds me of when we all took my limo for jays 18th birthday and ate in this adorable italian resturant on mulberry. and now thinking back i think that is one of maybe a dozen happy thoughts with jay. his cousin was murdered last week and i cant help but think if i was still going out with him, how i could have been there. jay was there the night before. it is scary. no more unhappy thoughts.

but going back to the NY thing, i am sure we will have lots of fun. i always do when i am with him. we could be doing nothing and it is entertaining.

i hate bad dreams. they keep waking me up at night and then i am tired the next day...argh. i had a few last night.

i miss mom today. i miss her gaudy braclets she used to wear. i miss the way she used to always get food on her face when she was eating. i used to be so embarassed to tell her. i miss her wearing those huge tacky socks over the cuff of her sweatpants...damn those were the days. i miss my house at christmas time. it was always so nice. last year tomorrow will be when my friends and i had our christmas party over my house. there were like 40 people there. yikes. i dont even know 40 people anymore.

everyone is away. gone. i am here. forgotten about. and sometimes that is okay. but not today. today i want to be someones friend. i want a phone call asking me to come to dinner. i want to be needed for a problem.

not today, maybe another day.

have a good one.

later.