2004-03-18 - 9:56 a.m.

i have realized this is exactly what i deserve. apparently karma has caught up with me. i have broken up with more boys and left them in the same condition i am in. now i am being punished. well fucking karma, let me tell you, i feel no empathy for those ex's, so if that was your plan it has failed. i just feel bad for me. thats right, i pity myself. what are you going to throw at me now? ;P ehhh...im not a fan of the smiley faces, i apologize.

let me tell you something else karma, i dont really believe in you, actually i am more of a fate kind of person. or a life's plan. i think (and forgive me for overanalyzing this in yet another entry) our relationship was practice. i have left it with more knowledge of what i want in a person, and what to NOT do to piss them off. it was a practice trial for the real thing, somewhere waaaayyyyy down the line. when i had this epiphany walking to my peripheral geography class, it was the first time i smiled when no one was around. i just smiled to myself, and thought, yea, that is a good reason and i was happy for at least seven minutes.

so karma you can kiss mine and 'everything happens for a reason' 's asses.

anyways lucky ten readers of mine, this trite writing will end sometime. but for the time being it is in my head constantly re-writing itself and looking for new answers in simple conversations. i havent given up hope yet, because sometime ago i was a strong person with standards. the version of myself that i have become reminds me of this horrible girl i knew in highschool, a bit of a whiner. boo hoo the world hates me kind of thing. just so you know, you arent the only one who thinks it.

oh thursday morning entries. what have become of you? i spend a week doing lots of new things, meeting new people, and this...this is all i can write about? why is that? looking back, i see that my entries are a little more idealistic and optomistic. ...errr closer to naive. today i am not feeling that way at all. i am feeling more of a 'impending sense of doom', maybe it is the bloody weather. when all else fails blame it on the weather i suppose ( and not the fact i havent been to my therapy sessions in three weeks).

i have also realized that i am truly an indecisive person. one week i am transfering schools, the next im staying right where i am in my little comfort zone. mac n cheese or bagel bites? class or sleep? too many choices. i think this little problem of mine is also at the roots of those kids with add or adhd. there is just so much for them to do, computer, video games, food, tv....you know what i did everyday after i got out of grade school? i went inside, changed into fucking play clothes, whatever the hell those were, and went outside and rode my bike and occasionally was on the horrible end of a brutal beating by my brother and his neighborhood friends. one time one of the boys spit on me. but anyways, that is my theory. it probably already is some proven fact, but to me...it is epiphany thursday-so fucking let it be.

if you got to this point through that maze of non-fluid writing and childhood memories, i commend you. you should get a prize, like ice cream or a balloon. maybe bubbles! how i love bubbles.well, that is my que to go before my inability to name one damn prize turns into a long list.

happy thursday.