2003-04-12 - 10:18 p.m.

there is so many things i wanted to do with my life. i thought i could do anything. i thought my goals were only as hard to achieve as i let them be. but i find myself stuck doing nothing. breathing only as far as these plain white walls allow.

i wanted to go to school this year. i wanted to live in a dorm and be bombarded with people my age. i wanted no alone time.

when i say one thing, i realize that i am lieing.

i found myself there with you last night. i tried to reassure myself with the fact of independence. that my life is superior. but who am i kidding, changing cat liter, and remember to pay the rent is so damn tiring.

i liked pretending the key to your room was mine when i held it in my hand. i liked thinking that when we saw the sign, it was there i belonged, and i didnt even want to go there.

this life, this everything you hold, is something that i wanted in my hands. i want to think the world to think had something to find in ME.there was something there. something i had that i am so trying to find again. and i found it last night. i found what it was that i lacked.

ive seen, expirenced more things than most people in a life time, and it makes me think mine should be over.

pondering pills is no way to bring the shine back to my face or the light in my eyes.

i know i am not making any sense, or doing this in a orderly fashion, but my head is filled with thoughts that are ready to stab the inside of my brain if i dont let them escape.

this isnt about me seeing you last night, or the fact that school isnt on the horizon for a while. and i couldnt tell you one simple thing, it is a weaving of years of heart break, moments of insecurities, hours of death, and a lifetime of feeling alone.