2003-03-20 - 9:32 p.m.

i found myself in the middle of a family, that isnt mine. they seem to want me there. remembering when her dad did this, and her brothers did that. laughing. thinking of the good old days.

i wasnt there. i was in my memories. sunday dinners, and clipping coupons.

i was in the middle of that family, and it was mine. it was all mine. they loved me. they asked of my gpa and plans. they yelled at me for acting out. i never realized how much i missed them, because i was too busy hating them.

but tonight i sat there interrupting a family, pretending id been there for ages, laughing along with the remember whens.

nothing will ever be the same, we wont spend holidays together. its like when mom died, they all died with her.

im sitting here and i cant breathe because the tears are so loud. and i cry for self-pity. i want to take pictures out in front of the house, and watch tv.

oh how i miss it so so much.