2003-01-10 - 12:52 p.m.

the sun is out and it is hurting my eyes.

i had to go outside and stand there, i was so angry. so very disappointed.

but the snow on the roof was crying off the side of the building. and i felt the same way. i was angry at the melting ice, it was free to cry, i am not.

but i closed my eyes, and the suns touch on my cheeks felt so relieving. i think i even started to smile. it reminded me of summer, oh how i love the summer.

how on days like this i miss my mom so much. i could tell you exactly what we were doing tonight one year ago. (most likely because it is stevie's birthday)

but tonight it the night we all got sick. she got bronchitis and i got whatever the hell it was, that made me dizzy all the time. but mom never got better. she died sick. but she didnt die because she was sick. by the time i was better, it was the day before mom died and we made plans. i liked plans.

i dont do plans anymore. i never keep them.

it has been 342 days since she passed away, but i hurt just the same. i dont think i am ever going to get over it. i dont think i want to. i think then, i would forget her. but i already started. i cant hear her voice. i want to hear her voice. i want to hear her say she is proud of me. that she admires me. she used to say those things.

now that warm water drops have blurred my vision, i think i should work.

appreciate everyone you love.

have a good one.

later.