2003-01-03 - 9:20 a.m.

how am i supposed to feel? why dont i feel anything? why did sour cream, jolly ranchers and cream puffs make everything better last night? why do i fear that i am totally going to break down in a few hours when i realize what i have done.

i feel so alone. i feel the disapproval lurking in the air. and the thought of this is infesting my brain.

i keep looking down at my stomach and freaking out.

how is it possible that i medled with life's process so carelessly? the only time i thought i would be telling eric would be with joy and happiness ringing in my ears, not on his 745 break with tears of fear in my eyes.

i am not sure who to tell, or what to say. i am confused and i just want to get this over with.

i wonder if it thinks.

i wonder if it feels.

i wonder if it feels my dislike for it.

i want to crawl in a hole and forget life.