2002-12-03 - 11:05 p.m.

i cant say i had a horrible time, that would be lieing. and for a few minutes throughout the night i didnt sense hatred from the dearest, jason.

we saw harry potter, and i found it to be excellent, but my butt was feeling the two and half hours. that would be my only reservation. and for someone who has such a short attention span, much like myself, it was not easy to concentrate. but i didnt dare take my eyes off the screen in fear i would see jason looking at me.

it is much easier when he hates me, not that i still have feelings for him, it is just i dont feel so bad about myself when he is in his bad moods. like there was a reason i ripped his heart out and handed it to him. i fiddled with his head and not intentionally. i didnt know i was. but now, i see.

we had extra time so i showed him around southington. he isnt too familiar with it. i showed him my old neighborhood and i showed him my street and i showed him my house. my house looked so nice. it was decorated with lights in the windows and a wreath on the door. i was ready to go home. he slowed down and pulled in front of my house. this time last year i wouldve been helping put up our trees and getting the house ready for the company. i could see myself through the dining room windows. sitting at the table watching mom do something like make food or hang ornaments. oh how i want to go home. i was never tired.

the night ended a mere 20 minutes ago and i am ready to settle into my bed alone. it is not as easy as it looks, when you are used to someone being there...and mostly, when i am in these moods where i just want him to hold me. and for him to rub my nose and induce my zzz's. ahh i shall pretend.

have a good one.

later.