2004-02-09 - 2:12 p.m.

i told her i felt light headed. i could feel my body slump to the right side of her desk. my vision was spotted when i could open my eyes. my hearing inverted and everything was so loud.i kept hearing my jaw click. she screamed for her nurses. three times. it felt like minutes between her yells. i got really hot and i closed my eyes.

i could hear her yelling telling them to pick up my feet. i didnt feel them lift my feet. she kept screaming 'open your eyes'. i thought i was trying at the time, but now..now i am not so sure. she was panicking. i could hear her voice. i didnt mind too much. she had just given me a shot, and i remember thinking she is adding too much meds to that needle. but i was tired and sad and not caring enough to say anything. i could hear the nurses say 'she is epileptic'. silly women, i have seiures all the time. i know what they feel like. this was something new. this was an odd sensation. i figured if i could still hear it wasnt that big of a deal.

but then i woke up on a table in a room i never saw. a cuff tight around arm. my shoes and jacket were gone. nailpolish from one finger was gone. i knew what that meant. they were checking my oxygen levels. they thought i wasnt breathing. my shoulders ached. she asked how i was feeling. i told her i need to get to class and i was fine. i sat up and looked at myself in a mirror on the opposite wall and all i could think was i seriously need my hair cut. i am sick of growing it long. and why was i doing that in the first place? she told me to lie back down, i told her i was a nursing student and i know i am fine. i got cocky. i didnt ask what happened. at this point, what the fuck do i care? trips to the hospitals and to see doctors have been a weekly occurence. just another thing to add to those damn medical history forms you fill out.

i had high hopes for february, i thought it was going to bring some new insight and comfort. maybe march.