2003-09-24 - 10:15 p.m.

i posted this earlier in my livejournal. i have nothing new to say.

frequent trips to the hospitals and worried voices on the other end of the phone. nothing is ever good news. i know the sounds in her voice, i know what the air is telling us. i have been through this over and over again. i pick up the key phrases nurses say and the expressions of hopelessness. i know.

every time the phone rings, your brace yourself, tighten your stomach and think this is the phone call no one wants to get. he doesnt realize and i dont have the heart to tell him. concentration is on nothing. everything. it is life without music in the background. it is your head so empty and alone. you are so tired and sad with life you cant see, smell, or eat anything. you walk in a quiet daze, doing things mechanically and without reason. thoughts of ending your own life come into play. life without him is no life at all. i know.

i found her lifeless on the living room floor, i didnt say anything to her that morning. i watched him die before my eyes. shrivel to nothing. taking manufactured breaths and saying goodbye with my eyes, because my lips couldnt form the words to say it. i know.

and it may not be today and it may not be tomorrow, but something is wrong. the world is getting quieter, and the lights are dimming. i can feel it. i know.