2003-05-24 - 6:09 p.m.

i can shut the door and forget about someone. i can hang up the phone and read a magazine. i can end a conversation and walk away. what i cant do is stop thinking of you. you lieing on the floor face down, the tv snowy and the vcr not a line.

it has been over five hundred days i havent seen you smile.

i cant go a day without something reminding me of you. it could be the way i follow your instruction on how to make the bed or when i look in the mirror and i see my nose.

but my initial memory of you isnt our mornings spent sipping iced tea because we were glamorous. and it isnt how we'd make fun of reality shows. it is the cold ugly thought of the afternoon i found you dead. when i turned you over and your hue was blue. your lips werent that tacky old women este' lauder pink. and your hands so tight to your chest, you'd think you were gripping to your life.

you have brought me the most joy out of everyone in my life. you have given me more than any other person will.

but dead is the only way i see you.