2003-03-28 - 10:10 p.m.

i was watching something tonight, and it made me think. nbc likes to do that to me.

i think i question my relationship because i have never had one quite like the one i am in now. with eric, this is the same as something special he shared with someone before. i am simply second. where as he says he looks at them as vacations. you never want to leave. but you do. you go on the next one. and do the same. but what if that one trip was THE trip. the one you never want to leave. the one that gets cut short, emergency at home, or lost the travlers cheques. forced. you spend the rest of the time thinking of that place. thinking how much you want to go back. and your next planned trip, well it isnt someplace new.

i dont know what i am trying to say, but channel four put it clear for me. what if i am the love that is, and not the love of his life. maybe he settled for california, when he couldnt make it all the way back to hawaii.

i havent thought of this in a while. but what if i should. something still sits at the bottom of my heart, making me feel as if i am not the one.

what if i dont want to be the one? what if all the stories ive heard, and the select memories he let me in on seem just a little nicer. or a little more special. or just a little more "love of your life".

i always dread the day that eric and i get into some fight, then he sees her. all those feelings return. all those care free easy to love feelings, that he cant have for me. because loving me is a chore. he wants the vacation, he had no problem renting a car for, or the food didnt make him sick.

i dont want to feel this way and i want to be the one trip he loves so much, he moves there.

eric is funny that way, he makes me feel like i am the only one in the world his eyes like to see. but i cant help but feel as if that isnt enough.

maybe it is because i want him to make me feel like i am the only one in the world his heart sees.