2003-02-16 - 1:01 p.m.

last night i thought of life without him. i tried to think of what filled my bottles when he wasnt in the picture. i have always had boyfriends. i think the longest ive went without one since i was like ten, would be four months. but none of them matter, not even those ones we categorize as our first love, or the ones we lost our virginity to. all of them seem so gone. away. i cant even remember kissing anyone else.

the things we have been through together, or the tender minutes we share wrapped up in sheets and hidden by pillows, mean more to me than my first akward moments of my first kiss.

when i look at him, i see years. i see kids and a fucking dog. i want all that. and he is the only one i want it with.

i have captured his thoughts, and his smile, and the weird things he does, and those can never be met by anyone else. i hold him at such a high standard that no one will ever live up to him.

eleven months. that is today. this is his longest relationship. we've got a few years for him to get to that status with me. but we are working on it.